I think that we are all ghosts

But in reverse

We are the ones who are haunted

By the thing that killed our soul

All of those years ago

That one thing

That last straw

Where our sanity

was stretched so far

that it snapped

on that day

we broke

our soul fractured

and a piece of it remained there

in that time and place

that thing haunts us

it stalks us

it is relentless

it never gives up

it only pretends to

when we are tired or alone

it comes for us

and all the while

our fractured soul

is searching for that missing piece

yes, I think that we are ghosts

we are ghosts of a child

once again I have eaten too much.

Some day I'll get to the point where I just eat for the nutrition and not because food is the most awesome thing on the planet.

think about it, everything in nature and every person is food to something. What if we find out that we were really here to eat and be eaten?

Cows are great animals and baby cows are cute but they are delicious.

I bet under the right circumstances I could make some bugs and worms very happy some day

The ground shook violently,
opened up,

pus oozed from the cracks.

The stench of decay,
covered the putrid landscape.

Even the young
were thrown in to the pit

The innocent were no more

Desecration of anything

even resembling
purity

was  driven

by the lust of the dead

every step was pain

every motion, agony

maggot filled open wounds

peeked from beneath

skimpy rotting bikinis

whores

every one of us

selling whatever’s left

for the tiniest taste

of something

to take away the pain

syringes stuck deep in flesh

hanging unnoticed

but I saw

I watched it bob and weave

with every step

of the girl

that I used to go to school with


her face

so different

from that cheerleader

that I knew so long ago


the scars of life

cut deeply into her face

the uncovered breast

a revolting sight

bile crept up in my throat


what’s going on

what happened

a hallow scream rose

from deep within me

as I looked down

at the bones of my arm

little bits of flesh

still clung to the tendons

I reached up to my chest

My fingers sank deep

in to the rotting meat

the steering wheel

the windshield

the road

it all came back to me

in a rush

 What the hell

Auto Parts Warehouse

I recently purchased some car parts online at Auto Parts Warehouse. We had a bit of a situation at first because of my location. I live in the Ozarks and the situation occurred when the delivery company couldn’t get the part to us.

I put an angry message on their facebook page and they responded in a kind way. They took care of the situation and I not only received my parts but they went above and beyond the call of duty to make things up to me.

If you are interested in shopping for car parts online you have a lot of choices but I can tell you that Auto Parts Warehouse will give you good parts, good service and a good price.

Here is the link, check them out.

http://www.autopartswarehouse.com/

I spent the last hour looking up an old friend. I found his address and his wife's name.

Can't find a facebook page for either of them.

I found an obituary in a different town but I don't think its him.

If I have learned one thing over the last few years it is this - the memories are always better than the reality.

Let’s just leave the friends from my past in my memories. Age and time have a way of destroying everything but memories. If you’re good, over time you can shape the memories in to anything that you like. You can smooth the edges, soften the harshness of certain parts, and intensify the clarity of the parts that were good.

I am kind of looking forward to senility

I've got a lot to forget

This friend was an old computer programming buddy. We took a 27 state trip together. 9040 miles in two weeks. That's what happens when you get 2 manic people together. Good times. That's one memory that I don't want to go away.

when you think about it our perception of fantasy, reality, and even real life are all just electrical impulses. None of it is real. It is only our perception of reality. Obviously something would have to be lost in the translation from reality to electrical impulses so how do we ever know what is real?

your perceived reality is different than my perceived reality and both are different than true reality. No wonder we spend so much time and money killing each other.

It is time for me to imagine myself sleeping. If I'm good enough at it I just might feel like I've rested when I decide to believe that I've woken up.

Ya Gotta Find What Works

several years ago

I don’t know how many

It could be as far back as 1997

I tried to take my life

The person that I loved had died in bed beside me



She didn’t love me

But I was the best that she had

At least the last time that she got sick



she thought that she had beaten the cancer

so did I

we found out different


after she died

I made it a few weeks

maybe more

I don’t remember much of that time


I drank a fifth of vodka

I took every pill in the house

The doctor said it was the most pills
that he had ever seen anybody take and live


I spent 2 ½ weeks in a coma

I lived a 30 year hallucination during that time


It was worse than any horror show
that has ever been invented

because it was interactive

I lived a lifetime in that coma

you’ll find people that say it can’t be true

but I lived it



Present day

I am feeling a lot of the same feelings lately

but the reasons are mine and mine alone



There is nothing
to do with reality

it is my own feelings of incompetence


I’m not in any danger

I will never try it again

but my message is the same to all of you
that are struggling with this every day of your life

Ya Gotta Find What Works


each and every day

you have to find whatever it takes

to get through the day

because tomorrow could be different

sometimes it isn’t


some days are different

Here is the story of when I tried it


there has been some fictional freedom

added to the story

but the basic story is true

http://thedoogieman.com/2010/10/08/the-thing-in-the-closet--a-work-in-progress.aspx

Days and nights
they do-se-do
in an unending dance

they lead us all
we bow and dip
it goes on and on

the morning comes
it starts each day
followed by the night

we dip and whirl
as time goes on
yesterdays a blur

memories fades
but are they real
sometimes it’s hard to tell

does it even matter
who we were or are
when it’s all said and done

our endings our beginning
we start and end as dust

the world, it turns
continues on
until the end of time

when is that
we do not know
we just do-se-do

Seriously

what drives us to go on


I’ve taken care of a spouse with breast cancer before

she died in bed next to me

I felt her go

Mandy isn’t feeling well

She hasn’t for a few days

If she goes

I not only lose her

I lose the kids

I not only lose them
I lose them

to a home where they have had to

 see someone try to kill themselves

and they saw someone

strangle a woman right in front of them


Gay rights?

who the phuck cares what someone’s gender is

we are in a state that puts children

in the home of a person

that has abused at least 4 women in the past

this person kicked his wife in the belly

while his unborn son was in her


and your worried about

gay people getting married


where are your priorities


My wife isn’t feeling well

and I don’t just have to worry about her safety

I have to worry about

what will happen to the children if she is really sick



she probably isn’t
the kind of sick
that will take her away from us

but what if she were

An Arkansas Judge
would have condemned the children

 to a life of sheer horror



I’m so sick of right and wrong

we were talking about a car accident

at the restaurant tonight


just jokingly
because Mandy didn’t have a fortune
in her fortune cookie

You should have saw the look in Ashli’s face
when we told her
that if anything ever did happen to her mom
that she would go to live at that other house


I know that it isn’t important to you

they are only two children

 in an overcrowded world

but they matter to us

and every time we send them over there

it makes me sick

What kind of world do we live in?

Seriously


what kind of world do we live in

when nobody will take a stand
for the children


None of it matters anyway


Mandy will be fine

the children will grow up

they will see firsthand
the differences in each home

and they will adjust their lives accordingly


They will chose which way that they want to live


but why should a 10 and an 11 year old
be put in the position to make those choices


Love and kindness will overcome

fear and violence will never win


You talk about gay rights
you talk about how gay people
shouldn’t get married


but do you ever consider
the lack of rights that a stepfather has

when all of the money is gone for lawyers

and the children still have to face the violence



get your priorities straight

the gay people that I know
would never put children
in that kind of situation


It’s the straight people
that know people
that we need to worry about

I Learned that I Don't Know

Why is it so hard for us to accept that just because we were taught something our whole life, that it might not be fact.

the truth is that almost everything that we have ever been taught is a contradiction of something else that was once thought of as fact

and the things that we truly believe to be absolute fact now, will be dismissed in the future either as completely wrong or else so simplistic in design of logic as to be worthless in comparison to the new understanding.

I'm lost, I have nothing to believe in that I am not willing to reevaluate

I'm stuck between today's reality and tomorrow's discoveries

how can I be a man of substance if I don't stand for anything

even my pet ideas get foggy grey when It comes to my own convenience.

I have become a man that has heard so many lies and so many different beliefs that I'm no longer sure of my own existence.

there is no hope of recovery

each new discovery only opens the door for my mind to question reality further, effectively eroding away any foundation that my own sanity was built on.

Every new thing that replaces an old belief emphasizes to me the fact that I don’t know anything and I probably never will.

……And they say college is dangerous