these ramblings are nothing more

than a dream I once had

while sleeping in a bed that I imagined to be real

in a land that I made up in my head

while drinking a cup of tea that wasn't really there

I shared it with a man

that never really was

the man gave me some cookies

that tasted like a song

they made my mind remember

that nothing here is real

so once again

I whispered to myself

my words, the color blue

the man he turned to smoke

I tried not to inhale him

but luck

it wasn't there

now he walks inside my lungs

he floats through veins

on certain days

when the sun is high

I can still hear his cookies sing

a song about a river

in a place I'm supposed to be

its somewhere in the Ozarks

in the forest deep

I walk the paths

within my mind

searching for this place

but its not real

like all the rest

like time and everything

I stand within a circle

that sometimes looks like a square

I look out of this box

into a world of pain

that dances in the moonlight

in the circuits of my brain

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To look at what you don't have

at what you'll never have

starts you down a path toward madness

don't take the walk

I sit in the safeness of my little world

dreaming of the Doug that never was

Desire creeps into my mind

it isn't lust

its a type of sadness

desire for a life that wasn't

What would it be like to be one of the “Haves”

instead of the “have nots”

its a dangerous slippery road

the whiskey doesn't help

I've only had a couple sips

but I can feel the pull of the should of beens

lately I have had the shotgun

within arms length

whenever I am at home

it comforts me

my past has come back to haunt me

but only in theory

there is no real danger

at least not yet

Every day

I see something that reminds me of where I came from

and every day I remember

where I belong

I remember my place

I will never belong

I will always be the fat kid

the poor little buck toothed fat kid

that didn't have a father

and who's mother went to prison

I will always be the child that was extra

the one that didn't belong

I never had a God

a religion

I never had anything to believe

I have no heritage

no roots

If there were ever a human version of a tumble weed

that is what I would be

The Christians have their bible

their book of right and wrong

but all I ever get from it

is knowing I don't belong

the students I went to school with

had their moms and dads

but the fat kid with the buck teeth

always seemed to be so sad

he went to school

then he came home

neither place did he belong

he sat on the couch

and lost himself

in the pictures on the box

he filled his mind with fantasy

and stuffed his face with food

he told himself he didn't care

he thought he had convinced himself

but inside he always knew

no matter what he told himself

he just wanted to belong

I tell myself I'm over it

but it comes back when I'm alone

I catch a little glimmer

of what I could have been

or I see a picture

of what I'll never have

falling into myself

I scream myself to sleep

I talk to things that are not there

dreams morph and then they're real

demons do the spider walk

as Christians bow in prayer

it comes for me

when I'm alone

and that is all the time

with people all around me

I am still all by myself

certain humans feel my pain

but none can understand

in a world where nothings ever real

I'm only just a man

I walk alone

I talk alone

but sometimes with a friend

they walk or stand beside me

they see someone

that they believe

is the Doug they know and love

but depending on the hear and now

and factors of the mind

I'm either who they think I am

or someone they'll never find

I'm locked inside a body

but I still have my mind

We moved again

new faces

new eyes

new school

it happened eleven times

I stood before these people

the kids all new my name

but when your the new kid

they are all the same

you learn not to get to know them

cause they'll be gone tomorrow

and if they aren't

who gives a shit

next week

its all the same

I hide out in the Ozarks

the mountains knew my name

they called to me across the miles

a home

without the pain

the trees

have stood

since long ago

their memories

come to me

they talk to me

with branch and leaf

the wind

it calls my name

these mountains knew who I was

long before I was born

some how I knew

where I belong

I gave up everything I knew

which wasn't very much

I traveled cross America

destiny or hunch

I saw these hills

knew I was home

looking back was not a choice

I faded back into a dream

eyes open for a change

reality was never real

at least not for me

still my past it haunts me

I'll never be free

hiding from humans

when things get bad

makes me seem kind of weird

I surround myself with animals

they never judge me

I look into their eyes

and they don't care

that I'm fat

or that I'm weird

they look at me

and they just know

there's something about this man

that isn't like the rest

they don't think I'm crazy

and want me to take a pill

they don't pray for my soul

because they think I'm horrible

and on my way to hell

they don't try to convert me

or invite me to their church

they don't tell me that I'm wrong

they like me for who I am

they don't ask me to change

I stand before the animals

a man of flesh and bone

my skin, their fur

the colors never wrong

God talks to me

when I'm alone

he does it through the trees

his voice it whispers softly

gently rustling the leaves

some times I take the time

to listen to every word

comprehensions possible

I know it sounds absurd

I like myself

I like my life

my families all I have

that includes the animals

the trees and the whole woods

I stand alone

surrounded by the multitudes of man

I walk alone

bumping into them

pushing my way through

their voices become one harmonious buzz

it overwhelms my ears

I can't separate the voices

I wonder if their real

they smile at me

and talk to me

like pictures on a screen

but their not real

never have been

they're all in my head

they're make believe

but they don't know

that they are just a dream

they go on with their lives when I'm not there

like they were alive just like I am

my mind keeps slipping

forgetting

it isn't fair to the people of the dreams

I can't keep the things straight

so every time they are drempt

they have to get used to something new

maybe thats why they all hate me

maybe I should just wish them away

and stand alone