The God of the Benjamins

There are so many things that I want to do.

 

I can never do them all

 

Unless I change something

I can only do bits and pieces of things

And continue to be completely frustrated

 

Monday

I become the jeweler/businessman

That I have always known that I was inside

 

From now on

Writing is a hobby

Welding, cutting steel, and scrapping are only hobbies

 

Working on our yard and home come second and only as time permits

 

The farm is for relaxation and enjoyment.

It will never support our family

And that wasn’t the intent in the beginning

 

Turning our farm

Into a self sufficient entity

Is a hobby

And even though it is important to me

It is still just a hobby

 

I will strive to streamline my life

Keeping any non-jewelry projects well organized and to a minimum.

 

Today I lose a little bit of who I am

But I do it for the family.

Money has never mattered to me in the past

But it needs to become important to me.

 

Family will still come first

But in coming first

Sometimes it will have to seem like it is second.

During the designated business times

There can be no family related distractions

And furthermore

During family time

There can be no business related distractions.

 

 

I was trained to think and work like a machine

And when it is work time

That is the way it will be.

 

My every day focus

On jewelry

Will once again bring the desire for perfection

And the obsession will return

I will become the man that turned a $50 loan

Into over 600 gemstones

and all of the tools needed to run a jewelry business

in only three years.

 

Today I stand back up

And start down the road

Toward becoming the man that I once was

 

But I do it

With much more wisdom

And knowledge

Than I ever had back then.

 

I will not fail

Because it isn’t an option

 

Every time I fall down

I get back up

And move forward

Whether it’s on my feet

Or crawling forward

Earning every inch of ground that I take

 

Tomorrow the battle begins

The battle will be great

And it will be long

But victory is mine

 

Because I am relentless

 

(the rest of this was written about 18 hours later)

 

I am confused

I have spent most of my life giving to others

 

I have tried to never take anything that wasn’t mine

 

God has always provided what I needed to survive

But isn’t there supposed to be more to life than just survival?

 

Everything I wrote this morning is bullshit

 

I want to be that person

I want to drive forward taking everything in site

Claiming it for my own

 

I want to be a modern day Genghis Khan

 

I want to sell things for what they are worth

And when someone comes to me that haven’t planned for the future

Someone that needs a hand up

 

I want to say to myself that they chose that path

 

I want to keep what I have

Instead of giving it to them

 

I have always given

And I have always been rewarded by God

 

Am I getting greedy?

Am I defying God?

 

Will I tarnish my soul?

 

I am thinking that I have been wrong

 

I have spent the day looking at a shut off notice.

We lose our electric on Tuesday

We will probably work it out

But this is all shit.

 

We have seven vehicles and only the motorcycle works

And the front tire on that is almost showing threads

 

We haven’t had a working refrigerator in weeks

 

We don’t have a way to get food for the animals

Except for strapping a 50 pound bag of corn on the back of the bike.

 

Today

I am making a declaration

I will sacrifice my soul for my family

Today I declare to God and the world

That I will do whatever it takes

To provide a descent life for my family.

 

I will sacrifice my beliefs

And for the first time in my life

I will compromise my morals

To provide my family with the good things in life

 

I will be the Genghis Khan of the business world

Tears and sad faces will no longer affect me

The dollar will become my god

I have done without for so long

That I just got used to it

I will not let my family be the same way

 

Before I moved here, before I met my ex

I didn’t even have a working toilet.

I waited until everyone was asleep

And scooped out the waste

I bagged it up and took it out and disposed of it

But I still gave to others

So they didn’t have to live the way that I did.

 

That’s just one of the things that I gave up so others could have stuff

 

Today I am done

I will have the nice home

The nice car

And every phucking thing that my little heart desires

My family will have school clothes

They will have school supplies

They will not be second class citizens

 

I will have the power of “the name”

So I won’t get tickets

 

I will have the power of cash

Lots of cash

And I will use it to my advantage.

 

From now on

Helping someone won’t be giving them something of mine

If I help someone

It will be by providing a job so they can earn a living

It will be because I built a multimillion dollar business and I need employees to run it

 

Until I get to that point

They are on their own

 

From now on I live by two words

And two words alone

“I WIN”

 

 

P.S.

I will no longer give a rat’s ass about making noise at night

My neighbors don’t care about me

Why should I quit mowing at 8pm when they blare their music until 1am?

 

And furthermore I will not step in dog urine or feces

On the kitchen floor

Because we are afraid that the neighbor will call the cops on us

when the dog tips his water bowl over or gets his leash tangled up

I will not live in fear so some temper tantrum throwing bitch can have her way

 

I can play hardball

I have a video of her grand daughter

Stuck on a barb wire fence

One more incident of the cops being called

And the video goes the as many news channels as I can mail it to

 

So now I am ranting like a child

 

But the whole purpose behind this

Is to say to the world

That I will not be walked on ever again

Those of you that know me

As the kind compassionate Doug

The Doug that would do anything for anyone in need

 

Have no clue what is just under the surface

 

I have walked the line for 3 years

I have been an upstanding citizen

 

That’s all in the past now

 

From now on I win

 

I Win