I Must Push On

Something inside of me keeps trying to get me to be so horrible to you that you will turn from me and never look back. It wants me to push you away before you eventually push me away. I think that really is easier to do it that way. I think that’s why I've always chose humor that was extremely crude.

I’m facing something that is so foreign to me. I am about to get a degree. How does one cope with that when they are the first in their blood line to not go to prison in at least 3 generations, let alone earn a degree? I want to run screaming back to the safety of the failure that I know so well. I want you to despise me because the comfort of the familiar is so much better than this new life.

I am scared because I am in an area that my upbringing didn’t prepare me for.  No one is getting beat, no one is high. I remember so well the day our car was stolen and used to kill Arlene. I remember the armed robbery where the two guys pointed guns at us. I remember the smell of heroin cooking.

Why on earth is someone like me, not only allowed to go to college, but also embraced as one of you. I am so confused. I want to run away. As a former Marine I will stand my ground and push forward but that doesn’t mean it feels good, normal, or even wanted, but I must push forward and stand strong even if everything around me is foreign. I earned the title of Marine and I have broken the cycle of abuse. I stood up and moved away from a bloodline that embraced crime and addiction and I owe it to myself and to my fellow Marines to shine as long as I am able to light the way for anyone else that is willing to fight the good fight.