Thank you my friends

I went to that place again. A few weeks ago or whenever it was that I got the news that Tony confessed to Arleen's murder I started down a new road. I knew it was inside of me but I never knew how to get too it.

I seldom let myself cry. It usually only happens when I’m drunk. Before when I went to that place I relived other things from when I was little. I have worked through a lot of it in therapy and a lot of it while emptying a bottle. All of this that is coming out now is taking a lot off of my chest. I really think that I am close to letting it go.

I drink often but seldom get drunk. I guess my years in the Marines and the years that followed taught me how to handle my liquor for the most part. I have to drink a lot to get to the place that I went last night. I bought a pint of blackberry whiskey and a half gallon of regular whiskey last night. I drank half of both of them. Under normal drinking circumstances you would hardly know I’m even drinking. I knew that I was heading to that place after Mandy went to bed because I was mixing the whisky 50/50 with diet soda. When I do that It takes me back. I often black out. Mandy told me both times that I was trying to get the weapons ready because “He” was coming. I am assuming that he was Tony but for years the face was blank, now it has eyes. Those eyes are the eyes of a mass murderer. I spend the time that I’m in that place trying to protect my family.

I have asked Mandy to write in detail the events that took place on both of the nights that I went there. I need to know everything. There might be a key to all of this that she can reveal. I know the first night I filled the magazines with ammunition, or at least tried to. I’m not going to think about it right now because I want to analyze it when she gets it done.

I might post some of what she writes but I know there will be a couple things that I won’t publish, mostly about the weapons. It’s enough that people know that we have them without telling enough about them to make someone want to break in and try to find them.

I want to thank all of you for reading and for your kind words. I want to thank Mandy for the support that she is giving me to work through all of this.