My mind wanders back to a time before I was born

To a time when humans were less vindictive

 

I don’t belong in this time. I belong in a time

When people respected each other

 

Maybe that time never really existed

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t belong there.

 

 

I imagine a world where we greet each other with a smile

Men nod their heads to each other

 

For the most part I found that here in Arkansas

 

Most people treat each other with respect

 

But there are still snakes

And I don’t mean the slithery kind

I mean the kind that reach out to hurt you

And they strike at the children first

They are the worst kind of human being

I have such a disgust of that kind of person

Nobody really likes them

They may be tolerated for a short time

But eventually

Even those that thought they loved them

Push them away

Even those that they may have created life with

Push them away in disgust

 

That type of person will never truly have a friend

They may have people that want something from them

Either sex, someone to talk to, or even a place to stay,

But the vindictive person will eventually lose all of the good people around them

They will either be alone

Or they will have to surround themselves with other vindictive people

 

I think that’s why

When they really do find a good person that will pay attention to them

They go almost to a point of obsession

They get crazy inside

And their actions eventually push away the good people

 

We are currently dealing with someone like this

The person is basically hollow inside

As Mandy put it

“Its like she is full of holes and her soul has leaked out”

 

She doesn’t see anything but what she wants

And she will hold nothing back trying to get it

 

The sad part is

That the thing that she wants

Won’t help

 

A friends,

A lover,

None of it will help

 

The person will never see it

They have become co-dependent to the point

That they cannot function by themselves

 

They may even become addicted to prescription drugs

To compensate for the hollowness that they feel inside.

 

This soulless person

Has no idea the damage that they do to people around them

And if they have a child

It is so much worse

They unknowingly teach that child to be co-dependant

And eventually that child

As they grow older and see the world isn’t as they were taught it was

Will begin to resent their mom just as I did

 

Slowly the visits will decrease as the child gets stronger

Slowly the holiday gatherings will decrease and then stop all together

 

As age takes its toll

The person will find it harder and harder to find anyone that isn’t truly pathetic

To spend their life with

 

Eventually they will end up, all used up and alone

Their addiction to prescription pills will get worse

Their quality of life

Which was almost non-existent to begin with

 Will become unbearable

 

Their casual thoughts of suicide

Will increase

 

Each day they will see their child getting older

They will think back to when the child was younger

Each day will eat at their heart

Knowing that they will be alone before long

 

They will think back to the days

When they had a job

When they made a difference in the lives of children

They will remember it fondly

 

Little bits of the harm that they have done

Will chip away at who they are inside

 

That memory of when they were actually a descent person

Will be like a life preserver

They will cling to it

 

When they are in a group of people

They will find that, that is the only thing that they have to talk about

Because except for a few bits and pieces of life since then

They have been a prescription junky

And they really have missed out on what life really is all about

 

My question is

Will they look back and feel bad about certain things

Will they ever accept what they have done

Or will they continue to live in denial?

 

Only the lowest of the low

Use the children as a tool to hurt someone

 

After you use children in that way

There is no going back

 

I wish you the best in life

You’re on a really rough downhill road

It’s only going to get worse

The sad part is

That you won’t see this as someone trying to help you

You will see it as someone being mean

 

I am basically your child

I lived with the junky mom

You have no idea how many times that she would sit and cry because of the pain

When she got her fix

The pain would go away

I already lived your child’s life

You can say that you hate me

You can use the children as a tool to hurt me

But when all is said and done

What you’re doing to your son

Is the exact same thing that my mother did to me?

 

I was 41 years old before I forgave my mom

How old will your son be?

 

Work on yourself

Learn what it takes to stop being co-dependant

You may still have time; your son is still young

Damage has been done but you can repair it

 

Not by repairing your son

But by working on yourself

Become a good role model

By patching up those holes

And putting your soul back together

You can do it

 

But it is only you, that can

 

 

You may ask why I respond by trying to help you

After what you just did

The answer is this

Because it is the right thing to do

 

I learned years ago

By watching my mom

That being vindictive

Only makes things work

 

You can’t take back what you did to us

And believe me the children already know what you’ve done

But you can move on and do what it takes to help yourself

For your sons sake.

 

(By the way Mandy’s sister told us about how you were hitting on her boyfriend at the skating party. This isn’t meant to be mean, only to help you see what you do to people. Without meaning to, you cause pain. You only do it because you feel so empty inside that you reach out to people to fill that emptiness but it is still pain all the same)