I won’t Do it Again

 

Anybody that has suffered in an abusive home

Has heard these words

“I’m sorry; I’ll never do it again”

 

Well most of us anyway

Some of the hardcore abusers never say it

They just keep hitting

Without any apologies

Or promises

Those guys are dangerous

 

But the most dangerous of all

Are the ones that say they won’t do it again

Because most of them believe that they won’t harm again

And they are really sorry for what they have done

 

That’s what makes them more dangerous

 

Because the ones that believe that they won’t harm again

Are usually the more gentle type

They are the ones that let things build up

They are the ones that hold things in

Until it overwhelms them

They are the ones that end up killing someone that they love

 

When it’s done

They are remorseful

They are sorry

But dead is dead

 

There is very little difference between alive and dead at first

The line that is crossed

That results in a death

Can be very similar to the exact things that they did in the past

 

It can be as simple as hitting a bit too hard

Or pushing somebody at the wrong time and place

It can be choking them for a fraction of a second too long

 

Dead is dead

 

So if you’re an abuser please forgive me

If I don’t accept you with open arms

 

And please forgive me for not wiping the slate clean

Forgiving and forgetting

Like the enablers that are in your life

 

Please forgive me for not believing those words

“I won’t do it again”

 

Because I’ve heard them a thousand times before

Spoken by somebody that believed them each time he said them to me

 

 

 

To Whom it may concern

 

this is the most important part

Please do not mistake compliance with a court order

As friendship

 

We will be respectful to you

We will not discuss anything about your

inappropriate behavior in front of the children

We will comply with the court order completely

 

But we will never trust that

you are safe for the children to be around

Until you have had several years

of nonviolent behavior under your belt.

 

If we see that you have 5 years of counseling

And 5 years without exhibiting abusive behavior

We may believe that you have changed

And we may accept an invitation to do something with you

Or we may invite you to go to the fireworks with us

 

But something has changed

My wife will no longer be an enabler

She understands that forgiving and forgetting

Only harms “you” in the long run

Because it allows you to relax

and fall back into the same old pattern.

I won’t be part of that

She will no longer be part of that

 

Why, you may ask

Because we know that you are stronger

than the enablers that surround you, think you are

We know that you can grow and change your behavior

We believe in you

That is why

We won’t forgive and forget

 

Every time that we meet with you

Look in to our eyes

And know, that we know,

that your stronger than they give you credit for

 

 

 

This isn’t meant to make you sad

It isn’t meant to hurt you in any way

I am only writing this

Because I believe that you truly believe

That you won’t do it again

And that scares me

 

It scares me because nobody just turns off a behavior

that has been recurring for 10 years.

It takes a long period of time

And long hours of work

 

I would be more relaxed if you understood that

 

It’s the fact that you believe that you won’t harm again

That makes you dangerous to the ones that you love.

 

We want to help you grow

Growth hurts sometimes

If you believe that you’re all better

If you believe that you won’t harm again

Then you have nothing to work toward

 

I struggled with anger and aggression for years

It took me over 5 years to get a handle on it

And an additional 10 to master it

 

It’s your life

Do what you want

But if you truly want to grow

And beat this

Stop listening to the people that surround you

They love you

Maybe they love you too much

 

Give them a hug

Tell them you love them

But stand up and shrug off their protection

Step up

Face each obstacle as it comes

Get knocked down a few times

But get back up

And move forward each time

 

You can do anything that you believe that you can do

But it’s going to be hard

And it’s going to hurt

It always does