I dated Ernie’s sister in High School, I can tell you for a fact he isn't gay. He used to like playing with matches and starting fires but his mom sat him down and made him watch an after school special and he never did it again, well at least not for quite a few years anyway.

I stayed in contact with Ernie for a while after his sister went to jail. She and I broke up when I found out what she did for a living but I’d say that Ernie and I kept in touch for 3 or 4 years after that. The reason that Ernie and Bert share a room is that during the first Gulf war Bert really had some psychological problems. Bert was pinned down by a bunch of Iraqi women, they shot up his position for about 3 days. Bert wasn’t able to sleep the whole time and he sustained 2 leg wounds. Bert’s squad found him and called in artillery, the Iraqi women were all killed and Bert spent 6 months in the V.A. Hospital in Germany.

Bert has never been the same, he wakes up at night screaming and the only thing that can calm him down is Ernie singing “Rubber Ducky”. For the longest time they had separate rooms but it got too much for Ernie running down the hall every couple of hours so they bought 2 single beds and started sleeping in the same room. Bert still has a hard time and he is unable to hold a job but thanks to Ernie he has a relatively normal life. You can tell sometimes when Bert gets short tempered and angry that he is still experiencing some PTSD but he really is a nice guy.

Don’t let Ernie fool you with his feminine look and soft voice. He and I were in Tijuana one night, we rode the Harley’s down there. We were drinking Tequila. I started flirting with this cute seniority and before I knew it there were 15 Mexicans and some French dude beating the crap out of me. Ernie jumped in and saved my life, He got cut a few times and lost a finger but he ended up killing 6 of them with his bare hands, another one of them will never walk again. He basically carried me to my bike. Before we rode out of there he had burnt that little Tijuana bar to the ground. Ernie is one bad dude and I pity the person that calls him gay to his face.

The rest of the story

Ernie's sister was a dealer at a topless Mormon Casino; you know the type of place I’m talking about, it’s the kind of casino where the blackjack table has more than one dealer.

Well Trixy, that was Ernie’s sister’s name, wasn’t a very honest person. She was a Feminist Mormon and she believed in equal rights for Mormon women.

Trixy would get the casino patrons drunk, I mean really drunk, and get them to marry her. By the time anybody figured out what she was doing, she had 35 husbands. She was receiving child support from all 35 of them for her son named duke. Duke wasn’t even a real boy, some guy named Giuseppe, the brother of Gepetto, carved him out of a log.

Anyway to make a long story short Trixy was bringing down about seven large a month and she wasn’t declaring any of it on taxes so now she is doing 15 to 20 in the Muppet supermax out in Utah.