To Serve Again

Last night my dreams were deep.

I was accepted by the Marine recruiter

over the phone to go back in.

He didn't know that I was 42 years old.

He didn't know that I weighed 379 pounds.

None of this mattered

I was going to get to serve again.

I was so excited

I was worried that Mandy wouldn’t want me to go

She supported me

even though I’d have to be gone for a long time

I was envisioning my flight

To boot camp

The first night of staying awake all night

Holding up a t-shirt until my arms ached

The smell of the building

The yelling

The feel of the uniform

The smell of the boot polish

Then it hit me

I’m fat

And I’m old

I saw myself being rejected on the plane

Because I was too big

I was laughed at by the young recruits

I couldn’t do pull-ups

It was horrible

I went from being so excited

to being horrifically ashamed

It was a very taxing night

I want to go back sometimes

There wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do

 
I was the epitome of strength

I search for that strength now

But it is elusive

I have moments where I think that I’ve found it

but I just can’t hold on to it

as soon as I go to sleep at night

it’s gone

I wake up exhausted and weak