(Incomplete ramblings)

I can’t remember

More than a handful of times

Where waking up

Felt like anything other

Than letting someone down

Maybe that’s why

I liked boot camp so much

The mornings started

With screaming

The day started with

Someone getting in your face

And yelling

They told you that

you were worthless

Your incompetents

was drilled in to your head

from the moment your eyes opened

When I was growing up

The first words that I heard

Had to do with

You’re going to sleep the day away

The early bird gets the worm

Or any of hundreds

of other little digs

That told me

that I wasn’t like the other people

It was clear that

I would never be good enough

They were simple things

They were meant to motivate me

But inside

I knew the truth

Other people would rather

Be up and working

When I just wanted

Another hour of sleep

My grandparents really tried

But something in me

was already broken

By the time

they got their chance

I know that several of you

Will say

don’t think about it

Or don’t talk about it

stuffing it down

doesn’t mean that it went away

its like  pretending

that you don’t have

an infected wound

It festers and rots inside of you

Whether its physical

or psychological

an injury

that is untreated

gets worse

So what am I saying

I’m saying that the gifts

that we give children

in the form of

hurtful words

and negative things

are carried forever

in the toy box of their mind

My hot wheels

And my coloring books

Are all gone

But I still have

The other gifts

that were given to me

My only mission left

Is to figure out

How NOT

To hand them down

to the next generation

Mornings will always start

With thoughts of

“I could have done better”

Or

“I should have….”

I need to be an asset to the children