Evolution and Spiritual growth

Evolution and Spiritual growth

Is uncomfortable, sometimes even painful

Over the last few years

I have become something more

than I could have ever imagined

 

And yet I’m still an infant

When it comes to understanding

 

The events of 2011 changed my life

Studying physics and basic metallurgy

Have sent me in to a world of discomfort

 

I did not want to believe

 

I used to be so proud of being a Marine

I’ve held on to that for over half of my life

 

I suppose that I’m still proud of the brotherhood

But there is a reason that they recruit our youth

 

As a young person

We want something to believe in

We want it more than anything

 

That makes it easy

For the young people to believe what they are told

 

Over the years I’ve tried to hold on to my Marine side

While moving forward with my spiritual growth

 

I believe that it is true

That we cannot serve two masters

 

There was a time in my life

Where I tried to be a badass

To some degree it worked

But I think the controversy inside of myself

Made me crazy

 

I am not a killer

I don’t want to be a killer

I listened to the hate-speech

I believed that we had enemies

But I didn’t want to think about

why we had those enemies

 

Time has passed

I am older

And dare I say wiser

But that statement in itself

Tells me that the wisdom is shallow

Because

to think that you know

Is only a sign

That you know nothing

 

What I do know

Is that, which I was so certain of before

Has become

Something that I am somewhat ashamed of

 

When we give up who we are

To become something else

That someone else shapes In to

what “they” believe is right

We can almost always be certain

That we are making a mistake

 

The last few months

have become exceptionally hard for me

I have moved in a direction

that I could not have foreseen

I think it started with a book that Mandy got me

That opened a door to possibilities

And those possibilities

Opened the door to forgiving my mom

And putting her role in my childhood behind me

 

I have even forgiven that murdering serial killer

that tortured Arleen to death

 

The freedom that was opened up in my heart

When all of that took place

Left an emptiness

I lost a hatred that I couldn’t understand any longer

I don’t know how I held on to it for so long

 

These past few months have been so uncomfortable and confusing

I don’t know how to be a normal person

 

I still find myself lashing out at times

I think that it is because the hatred felt so normal

And now that its gone

I sometimes want its comfort back

I have lost who I was

I still take pride in my accomplishment of becoming a marine

I still value the honor and integrity of being a marine

But I think that’s all that I can hold on to from the experience

 

I’m not a killer

I don’t want to be a killer

 

I’m a growing spirit

My mission is the accumulation of knowledge

But I understand

That with the accumulation of knowledge

Comes growth

And with that comes letting some preconceived ideas go

 

I have come to understand

That I am nobody

I am nothing

I am insignificant

Except for my ability to help others

 

My status as a man means nothing

My physical possessions mean nothing

My ability to create jewelry means nothing

 

I am here to live and breathe

I am here to show kindness

I am here to give to others

 

My wants and desires

Mean nothing

 

I want to continue writing this

But everything has left my mind

So I think that I may have said

everything that needs to be said.

 

I mostly wrote this

So I could look back on it daily

And remember how important these words are.

They aren’t for you

They are for me

But if they inspire you in any way

Then you’re welcome to share them