I am completely and utterly heartsick right now

I just faced my own mortality

I awoke from a dream but stayed in the place where I do my dreamwalking

 

I was sentenced to death

It was for something completely trivial

I could not comprehend why

 

I accepted the sentence without question

 

I was even looking forward to death

 

Two days before my sentence I was at my mother’s trailer

I was in my own room

 

One of the people from my facebook was staying there too

 

Maybe two of them were

But they had taken the computer

And reformatted it

I couldn’t write my final goodbye

I wasn’t upset at all about all of my work being lost

 

All of my writing was gone

But it didn’t matter because I was going to die

And the writing was only “stuff”

And it really didn’t matter

 

My mother was sad

But that didn’t matter

 

I was hit with this revelation

I was supposed to go to work

On the day before my execution

And I didn’t do it

 

It was so strange to come to the understanding

That I didn’t have to go to work

Because it wouldn’t matter

 

I remember saying to a friend

That it was like failing school but showing up for the last day anyway

 

I spent the last day in my room

 

I used my drawing supplies

To try and write my last thoughts

 

There was an interview done on video

By someone from the state

 

I was being asked if I regretted what I had done

 

Come to find out

I was being executed because of my mental illness

I accepted that as the reason

And it was ok

 

I was totally ok with dying

 

In my dreamwalk

I was lying on my bed

In my mother’s trailer

And it came over me

This mournful sadness

 

I started to cry

At the loss of my life

 

I hadn’t died yet

But it was inevitable

 

At this point

In real life my wife came in to wake me up

It was a half hour earlier than I had wanted to get up

So she let me sleep

But I had lost the moment

It was an intense sadness that is utterly indescribable

To face your own death

 

But I wasn’t really unhappy about dying

Because I had spent the last few years preparing for I mentally

 

Being as fat as I am is really a death sentence

 

I think that I was crying because I didn’t understand why they were killing me

 

And the authorities didn’t’ seem to really know either

 

It was so strange to look your death in the eyes

So to speak

And be totally ok with going

 

I wasn’t scared one bit

 

It was just a feeling of relief

 

There are some moments in this life

When all things come together to a single point

 

This moment was one of them

I was proud of myself

For accepting my sentence

 

I was proud that I could cry for the loss of my life

But also be totally ok with passing

 

I understood in the dream

That it was an Arkansas law that was the result of my death

 

But I didn’t resent Arkansas or the law

I just accepted it

 

Because I knew that humans are so trivial

And none of what we hold to be so important really matters

 

It was a life altering moment

That brought such an inner peace

 

I have no idea what it means

But I am very thankful for the experience

And the way that I was ready to accept moving on

 

I think that there was something about it

That has to do with my everyday struggle with my weight

 

I don’t expect to live more than a year or two more

And I have been struggling with accepting my death

 

I have come to terms with it

And it brings me nothing but peace

 

I think that it was the same with my mom’s death

 

She started having heart attacks

And I dealt with her death

 

She is still alive

but I have already mourned the loss

 

She chose to eat what she wanted and to smoke

And that is killing her

So she basically chose to die

I had to accept her death

In order to go on with my life

 

I think that in order to go on with my own life

That I had to accept that death would come soon

I have chosen to die

Because of my eating habits

 

It doesn’t feel like a choice but we all know that it is

 

I eat what I want

And I will pay for that

With my death

 

About an hour ago

I faced that death

 

And I found that it is welcome

 

I have given myself a death sentence

My method of this execution

Is death by obesity

 

I accept this

And it’s ok

 

I love my life

But I cannot win this battle

I can’t stop eating

 

I’m looking forward to moving on

 

My family will miss me

 

But I think that is part of growing

 

The pain will bring a revelation of its own to them

And they will use it to grow